i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
When did we convert life to cartoon?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
