and my herpes radar will keep us safe
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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