i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
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Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
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Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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