He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
