My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
