Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
