oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
