Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
