hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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