just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
