Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
