Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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