Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Dicks are not precious.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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