a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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