Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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