goodnight i made you a song goodbye
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
