She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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