His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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