I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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