if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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