i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
