Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Randomize
