I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
