dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
my poor anus
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
