So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
