i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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