I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize