Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
