i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
