I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
