That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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