tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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