I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
