yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
