imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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