I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
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I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize