The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
