would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
