no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
