I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
