Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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