When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
