Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
