was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
