My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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