there's paper in my vomit.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
