I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
