so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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