Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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