Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
