sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
