I'm so fucking centered right now
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
