Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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