I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
