Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
