Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
