im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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